What Makes a Good Parent
I’m the meanest mom on my block and maybe in the whole world. You don’t believe me?
I’ll prove it.
One night a neighbor called and explained her kids were convinced she was the meanest mom in the whole world, well at least on our street anyway, so she was taking a survey.
“What time do your children go to bed?” she inquired.
“Eight o’clock,” I answered boldly.
“Really? That’s great! You are meaner than I am,” she beamed. “My kids will be so relieved.”
I wear this meanness mantle with pride. It is quite a daunting task but I’ve always liked a challenge. If I was going to start a Mean Mom’s School, here are some of the classes that would be part of my curriculum.
Class #1 – The Gentle Art of Child Slave Labor
I begin assigning chores to my children at the tender age of three. Why when all those other toddlers are glued to Barney and Disney videos, my dear, deprived children start to work! It only gets worse as they grow older - they have to learn to do laundry, dishes, cooking, vacuuming, bathrooms, lawns, weeding, snow removal and (gasp) clean their own rooms. They must also earn their own money to pay for summer camps, skiing, and the basic stuff they want to buy. SHOCKING.
Class #2 - How to be a Religious Zealot in 4 Easy Lessons
Can you believe that we actually pray about 6 times each day as a family? After the first prayer, the repressiveness continues as we read and discuss scriptures. Outrageous, I realize but I have this skewed, crazy idea that when children learn about God and talk to God they actually may want to be like him. Insisting on respect for adults by calling them by Sister or Brother or Mr. or Mrs. - now that is just plain weird. Don’t get me started on that church meeting we attend each Sunday.
Class #3 - Educational Fanaticism for the 21st Century
Obviously, the government should control learning. It worked so well in Nazi Germany. But that mean streak in me is alive and well. I actually make my children choose things they want to study. It would much easier for them if I simply poured facts into their brains but funny thing is I think brains should actually be used. The fact that I subject my children to hours of reading aloud, lively discussions, and writing is beyond torture. And those field trips we go on… simply reading about nature, animals and rockets would be so much more convenient than actually being outside, visiting the zoo and building our own rocket. That I as a parent may actually have some insight and understanding about how my children learn and that I would be qualified to teach those children myself is quite the bold idea. I should simply stamp RADICAL across my forehead.
Class #4 - Hurling Yourself Out of the “In Crowd” 101
My boys are convinced we are the only family on this blessed earth that does not see any PG-13 movies and only selected PG movies. We are the peculiar people within the peculiar people. My children must actually tell where they are going, what they are doing and with whom. Tyranny reigns supreme. Why can you believe that I don't allow my children to be involved in extremely time-consuming activities away from our family unit? I realize nice parents run children to dance, soccer, friends, baseball, art class, karate and piano all in the same day. Nice parents also eat fast food in the car because, my word, who would want to hassle of sitting down at a real table and eating and talking together. Can you believe the gall I have for not going to work outside the home to pay for my children to wear designer clothes? Sheesh!
I’m sure I have erased any doubt about my meanest mom status. The crown is clearly mine. And finally I leave you with one last nugget of wisdom: MEAN MOMS OF THE WORLD --- UNITE!
I’m the meanest mom on my block and maybe in the whole world. You don’t believe me?
I’ll prove it.
One night a neighbor called and explained her kids were convinced she was the meanest mom in the whole world, well at least on our street anyway, so she was taking a survey.
“What time do your children go to bed?” she inquired.
“Eight o’clock,” I answered boldly.
“Really? That’s great! You are meaner than I am,” she beamed. “My kids will be so relieved.”
I wear this meanness mantle with pride. It is quite a daunting task but I’ve always liked a challenge. If I was going to start a Mean Mom’s School, here are some of the classes that would be part of my curriculum.
Class #1 – The Gentle Art of Child Slave Labor
I begin assigning chores to my children at the tender age of three. Why when all those other toddlers are glued to Barney and Disney videos, my dear, deprived children start to work! It only gets worse as they grow older - they have to learn to do laundry, dishes, cooking, vacuuming, bathrooms, lawns, weeding, snow removal and (gasp) clean their own rooms. They must also earn their own money to pay for summer camps, skiing, and the basic stuff they want to buy. SHOCKING.
Class #2 - How to be a Religious Zealot in 4 Easy Lessons
Can you believe that we actually pray about 6 times each day as a family? After the first prayer, the repressiveness continues as we read and discuss scriptures. Outrageous, I realize but I have this skewed, crazy idea that when children learn about God and talk to God they actually may want to be like him. Insisting on respect for adults by calling them by Sister or Brother or Mr. or Mrs. - now that is just plain weird. Don’t get me started on that church meeting we attend each Sunday.
Class #3 - Educational Fanaticism for the 21st Century
Obviously, the government should control learning. It worked so well in Nazi Germany. But that mean streak in me is alive and well. I actually make my children choose things they want to study. It would much easier for them if I simply poured facts into their brains but funny thing is I think brains should actually be used. The fact that I subject my children to hours of reading aloud, lively discussions, and writing is beyond torture. And those field trips we go on… simply reading about nature, animals and rockets would be so much more convenient than actually being outside, visiting the zoo and building our own rocket. That I as a parent may actually have some insight and understanding about how my children learn and that I would be qualified to teach those children myself is quite the bold idea. I should simply stamp RADICAL across my forehead.
Class #4 - Hurling Yourself Out of the “In Crowd” 101
My boys are convinced we are the only family on this blessed earth that does not see any PG-13 movies and only selected PG movies. We are the peculiar people within the peculiar people. My children must actually tell where they are going, what they are doing and with whom. Tyranny reigns supreme. Why can you believe that I don't allow my children to be involved in extremely time-consuming activities away from our family unit? I realize nice parents run children to dance, soccer, friends, baseball, art class, karate and piano all in the same day. Nice parents also eat fast food in the car because, my word, who would want to hassle of sitting down at a real table and eating and talking together. Can you believe the gall I have for not going to work outside the home to pay for my children to wear designer clothes? Sheesh!
I’m sure I have erased any doubt about my meanest mom status. The crown is clearly mine. And finally I leave you with one last nugget of wisdom: MEAN MOMS OF THE WORLD --- UNITE!
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